Funny Quotes

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.  ~ Mae West


I have met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you're twenty minutes.  ~ Oscar Wilde


A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.  ~ George Bernard Shaw


If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.  ~ George F. Burns


It usually takes me two or three days to prepare an impromptu speech.  ~ Mark Twain


Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.  ~ George Carlin


It is better to be beautiful than to be good, but it is better to be good than to be ugly.  ~ Oscar Wilde


A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.  ~ Steven Wright


A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.  ~ Yogi Berra


Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.  ~ Garrison Keillor


I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.  ~ W. C. Fields


Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.  ~ Groucho Marx


You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.  ~ Mae West


I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.  ~ Mark Twain


Someone told me the delightful story of the crusader who put a chastity belt on his wife and gave the key to his best friend for safekeeping, in case of his death. He had ridden only a few miles away when his friend, riding hard, caught up with him, saying 'You gave me the wrong key!  ~ Anaïs Nin


A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.  ~ Fred Allen


When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.  ~ Albert Einstein


Food is an important part of a balanced diet.  ~ Fran Lebowitz


I love being a writer. What I can't stand is the paperwork.  ~ Peter De Vries


Yes, madam, I am drunk. But in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.  ~ Winston Churchill


Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.  ~ Redd Foxx


A woman drove me to drink, and I never even had the courtesy to thank her.  ~ W.C. Fields


A hard man is good to find.  ~ Mae West


Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.  ~ Lily Tomlin


"Meow” means “woof” in cat.  ~ George Carlin


Denial is much more then an Egyptian River.  ~ Mark Twain


I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.  ~ Groucho Marx


Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.  ~ Yogi Berra


I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.  ~ Lily Tomlin


Electricity is really just organized lightning.  ~ George Carlin


I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.  ~ Oscar Wilde


By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.  ~ Mark Twain


I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.  ~ Woody Allen


Life is one fool thing after another whereas love is two fool things after each other.  ~ Oscar Wilde


If we're not supposed to eat animals, how come they're made out of meat?  ~ Tom Snyder


I intend to live forever. So far, so good.  ~ Steven Wright


I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.  ~ George Carlin


Thank you for sending me a copy of your book. I'll waste no time reading it.  ~ Moses Hadas


If you cannot answer a man's argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names.  ~ Elbert Hubbard


You can't have everything... where would you put it?  ~ Steven Wright


I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.  ~ Benjamin Franklin


Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement.  ~ Mark Twain


Life is hard. After all, it kills you.  ~ Katharine Hepburn


I like children - fried.  ~ W.C. Fields


When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.  ~ George Burns


Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.  ~ Mark Twain


I never said most of the things I said.  ~ Yogi Berra


I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.  ~ Rodney Dangerfield


I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.  ~ W.C. Fields


My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.  ~ Rodney Dangerfield


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